S is for Stoic

Today is Alphabee-Thursday.
That means my blog is currently being brought to you by the letter S.
and...S is for Stoic.

Yes, I know I've already done an S entry today, but after I posted it, and left home, I got to thinking about how it didn't really say what I wanted it to say. I rambled on about not getting to see a movie I really want to see, and I know that noone will really understand how much that means to me...what it REALLY means, to me, and that's ok I guess, but I don't think I fully represented in that entry what I meant to.

When I was trying to think about an S entry I wanted it to be meaningful, symbolic, insightful....and I think I failed miserably. I thought about S is for School, since we are finishing up this week. I thought about it being S is for Singlehood, since I'm getting married tomorrow. I even thought about it being S is for Scared...for all the changes my life is facing. But none of them sounded right either.
Nothing was fully encompassing the emotions and thoughts that are stirring around in this body of mine.

Then I thought of the word "stoic". Dictionary.com defines it as adjective --of or pertaining to the school of philosophy founded by Zeno, who taught that people should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity.

In all the changing and hustle and bustle of the past month, this week we are in, and the upcoming weekend and last day of school next week, I realized that I've been trying to be "stoic". I've been doing things very matter-of-factly, checking them off my list as they are completed, not letting myself get worked up or overly emotional as to not draw attention to myself or not let myself get caught up in what I'm really feeling. I guess I've been supressing everything in an attempt to just get things done. And now I think it's all about to spill over.

When we first talked about getting married, we agreed on a no-fuss todo. We'd both already had weddings. He is not close to his family, mine is so scattered out geographically...getting them all together is an ordeal sometimes. We didn't want to attract a lot of attention, thought we could just go off and take care of the legalities, come back, move my stuff in, and go about our lives. We chose this last weekend in May b/c neither of us wanted a June wedding, for personal reasons, and since the lease on my house is up on June 3, it just seemed like the right time to go ahead and move. When I thought about school winding up corresponding with packing up my house and getting all our affairs in order, it didn't seem so big a job....at the time.

Well...let me tell you. It is.
Without going into the details of how my school waits til the last minute to tell us things we need to do, let me just say that as much as the end of the year normally stresses us all out (as teachers)...it is worse, at school, this year, without all the wedding/moving stuff thrown in on top of it. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Oh yeh..I was thinking that the getting married/moving in stuff would be a piece of cake.
I was wrong on that, too. The list of things that has to be done grows everyday.
We've got it all taken care of now...and just have to show up at the judge's office tomorrow, but the EMOTIONAL part is starting to set in.

I find that I am missing the hub-bub, big todo that goes along with getting married.
No wedding showers. No bachelorette party. (I didn't even get one of those the first time I got married.) No bridesmaids and pretty dresses. No flowers. No ceremony with loved one looking on. No reception.
Oh sure..I've been given some nice gifts by friends and family. But that's not what I'm talking about.
I didn't think I would miss being THE BRIDE.
but I think I kinda do.
But I haven't let any of that show. I've been stoic.

Then...this one thing..this one event that I thought I would get to do tonight, on the last night of being the single me...it has fallen through. Yes, the premiere of the Sex & the City 2 movie. I cannot put into words how that story affects me, how it symbolizes my own life in so many ways. It's just "my" thing. And I'd planned to go see it tonight, on my last night as the single me, and if any of my friends could join me, that would be fun, too..but it was something I wanted to do..just for me. On this night. Before everything changes...before I leave my old life behind and start anew as part of a bigger family, with a different role to play....a role that I am admitting here, for the first time, is kinda scaring me since I didn't do such a great job at it the first time. No wait...that's not true. I did do a good job. I was a great wife. It was the relationship that had its faults. (I won't say it was "him"/the ex...even tho it kinda was, b/c he is a good guy.)

But what if ............
Don't get me wrong. I love Greg. We have a great relationship. But all those "what ifs" are looming in the back of my mind. I know it's up to me, to us, to iron out the difficulties and to get through the adjustment period, and that it's not going to be easy. I know all that.
I'm just a wee bit scared.
But I can't let it show. I have to be stoic about it all. Because that's just who I am....I'm the one that makes sure everything is ok and everyone is taken care of. I'm the glue.

And now that this one thing I was really looking forward to isn't gonna happen, and isn't gonna happen for a purely prideful reason, my glue is not holding. I was still fully planning on going to see this movie, to have my moment of ME, tonight, until last night, when it came up in conversation. We were talking about what we were gonna do tonight and I mentioned how my "bachelorette night" had corresponded with my getting an invite to dinner and that same movie with a girl I know who is celebrating her 40th bday this week. A Girls Night Out thing. He haphazardly says in passing that it just seems silly to spend that money on dinner and a movie when we will be spending money this weekend on our trip. (but that's how he is. business. almost all the time.) Now..he WASN'T saying I couldn't go. He would never tell me that. He would never deny me anything I really wanted. I know that. It was just his tone, his feelings about it.... and he's right. We really do have a lot of things to do tonight to get ready for tomorrow, and the cost, and the gas it would take to go into the city to do it....he's right. But my heart sank. It really really sank.

But I was stoic, and I passed it off, and agreed on what we needed to do tonight....
but I'm not feeing stoic this morning. I'm sad. I'm feeling like something was taken from me. My last "thing". And a teeny tiny part of me is scared that I'm gonna do what I always do, and lose myself. After I've worked so hard, for 8 years, to become who I am today...I don't want to do that again. And I'm vowing here and now not to...
but what if?

Yes..I hear all your advice in my head already. And I do know the answers in my mind. I'm just letting my emotions control my typing right now. So forgive me.
I will be fine. Everything will be great. I know all this, I do.
So...let me put back on my face of stoicism....
and the next time you hear from me, I will be a married lady. And life will go on, getting better and better with each day.


000