Thursday 13--Things I'm thinking about this very moment

What’s the Thursday 13?
The Thursday 13 is a weekly meme with a simple theme: each Thursday you blog a list of 13 things. What kind of things? Any kind! Just come up with a list theme and run with it. One week you may list “13 things on my mind” and maybe the next week you’d list “my top 13 favorite movies”. Or maybe just go through the alphabet--“13 Things I Love that begin with the letter A”, etc. That gives you 26 weeks of ideas!
Whatever is on your mind.

Today's post for me, is 13 things that are on my mind right now.
This is a busy week for me, a busy time of year really.
I seem to be waking up in the middle of the night lately and not being able to go back to sleep. This morning, I slept straight through til 4:30am, but have been awake ever sine (I normally don't get up til 6:00, so this is new for me.)
so...I thought, while I'm up, maybe I can purge my mind of what may be causing me inner anxiety. So here goes:

1. Lesson Plans---as a teacher for the past 20 years, I've always had to do them. No big deal. But this year, our administrators decided they wanted us to "fine tune" them and add all sorts of extra stuff into them, to SHOW that we are doing meticulous planning for each of our lessons. Now..if I had the easy job of teaching higher grades, where it's the same lesson or two for 7 periods, it wouldn't be such a big deal. But 8 different lessons, everyday....all this planning has our whole primary staff up in the air. It's not that we don't plan...we've just never had to document every step before and it's taking a lot more of our after school/weekend time....and if you teach, you know that we already spend way more than our share on school stuff anyway!!
(oh..and that quip about high school teachers having it easy...just joking!)

2. Spaghetti Supper-- tomorrow night is our Junior Auxiliary's 48th annual spaghetti supper to raise money for our scholarship fund. It's our biggest project of the year. I am public relations chairman, so I've been working my butt off to promote this thing. It's before the football game tomorrow night. I've had to do ads and interviews for tv, radio, and newspapers (both here and in the town our opposing team is in.) Get it announced at the previous ballgames, have it put on marquees all over town, make fliers and post them all over town, invite the staff and students of the visiting team...plus my regular member duties of selling tix, and getting donations for local businesses (to offset our cost so all the proceeds we collect will be available for the scholarship fund), and of course...work at it tomorrow night. I've been busy. I'll be glad when it's over.

3. My oldest son---nearly 17---teenage hormones/attitude/superiority.
He's at that age now, or maybe that stage, where he of course knows everything and I know nothing when it comes to life. I "don't get him". I "don't give him the respect he deserves", I "treat him like he's still a little kid". Of course none of that is true,(well, maybe I don't "get him"..he does have different tastes in music and dress, etc, than I do) but this is new territory for me. I teach little kids for a reason. Teens have never been my forte. And I know he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings, but he does. I already feel guilty for a lot of things in his life (he has always blamed me for "leaving his dad lonely" (when there's not a bitter break up, it's hard for the kids to understand what went wrong and why you can't live together.) He had to grow up earlier and be more responsible than a lot of kids his age... *sigh*...and he's almost grown now. Sometimes I wish I could back and, not necessarily do things differently, but maybe approach them differently.

4. My middle son---12 yrs old. I see him struggling to find his place in the world, to figure out who he is. He was always a mama's boy. He's been living with his dad and brother for a year now....and I see him trying so hard to be like his older brother, but still be "my boy", too. He's not his older brother..nothing like him, and sometimes I think they (his dad and brother) forget that.

5. My daughter---I just want her to have a great growing up experience and get to do things I didn't get to, if she wants to. She wants to join a cheerleading group. She's always loved to cheer. She's not athletic tho. We've never been able to afford gymnastics or dance for her. She's a bit on the "chubby side". But that doesn't stop her and I'm so proud of her for that. She's always had a great pride in who she is and never let anything stop her...but SHE is getting at that age (11) where she's starting to be more self-conscious...and not speak up as much...and let other's opinions have more of an impact on her. I just want the best teenage experiences for her.

6. Meshing 2 families together. Having to change rules and ways of living to accomodate both of our families. For instance-----when it was just me and my 3 kids, I had no problem with them drinking milk out of the jug if they wanted to (I don't drink milk, so it didn't bother me) or grab a spoonful of something out of the pot on the stove. I'm not a germaphobe. Doesn't gross me out. But it does gross out my husband and step-son. So...there's another thing my kids have to change in their lives. Don't get me wrong..it's not a bad change. Actually, I should've never let them get use to doing it in the first place, but we were always a laid back family. I just feel like I've changed so much in their lives recently....that they feel "oh gosh...what else do we have to do differently now?"

7. Hubby's health--better than it use to be (for those that have been with me for many years) but having more occasional flare-ups again. And still being the stubborn goat about going to a doctor b/c "they'll just want to change meds again, or run more tests that will show the same things, and cost more money."

8. Money---I'm sure once we've gotten a few paychecks under our belt as a married couple things will be better, but this is our "tight" time of year and it's REALLY taking a long time for payday to get here this month and it seems like we've had more and more (or higher and higher) bills lately. But this is just part of life I guess.

9. This weekend's plans--trying to figure out travel for getting my boys here. They live 75 miles away and on my weekends usually come on Fridays and go home on Sundays. Naturally. Sometimes if something is going on and they can't come on Friday, then they just stay at their dad's an extra weekend...cuz they like it there, and with gas so high going down and back 2 days in a row...only having 24-30 hours with them, just doesn't always seem realistic. This is one of those weekends. I can't go get them tomorrow. Their dad will be out of town and can't bring them. I was gonna suggest swapping weekends or just letting them stay there this weekend, but then older son tells me he needs to use my computer to build a powerpoint presentation for his oral communications class. His dad's computer can't do that. So..now he needs to be here this weekend. So...I will get up early Saturday, go get them and bring them back, then their dad will come get them Sunday. Not really a big deal...but I also feel guilty b/c, due to lack of money, we haven't been able to do anything fun the last few times they've been here and have just been "stuck in the house". (and they've let me know several times that it's "boring" and have told their sister that they "don't like coming here".)

10. My boys don't like coming here----- I get it. Their friends aren't here. They have to go to a different church (they are very involved in their own). They don't TRY to make friends here. Even tho our house has more tvs (they don't have cable/satellite at their dad's..so no regular tv watching there), and we have more computers to play on, and a much much bigger house, and less chores/responsibilities, and I do usually take them to movies and out to eat and get them things they need...they "don't like coming here". Sometimes I wanna say, "screw it, just don't come then"...but who would that be hurting?? All of us, that's who. I just have to remind myself that when I was a teenager, I didn't always like going places my parents took me, and I often got bored, and it didn't kill me, and I survived and all that jazz. It just hurts my feelings, too.

11. School---I LOVE MY CLASS THIS YEAR. I only have 18 first graders, for the first time in several years. This makes SUCH a huge difference in classroom dynamics. And I've got some really great, sweet kids. Oh sure...there are a couple who try my patience, but it's mostly because they nees so much of my attention and will do anything to get it, and as long as I remind myself of that when they are showing out or being demanding, I can handle it. And I've got this autistic girl, whom I was dreading having b/c I remember hearing her "fits" out in the halls last year when she was in kindergarten. But ya know what? I LOVE HER!!!! So much!! The schedule they've got her on for when she's in my actual room is perfect, and she's very high functioning, and I'm learning how to read her and anticipate her reactions and find ways to handle her easily w/o much fuss. I'm so glad she's mine this year!

12. my messy house---sure, it's livable. And it's not like those you see on Hoarders. We still have unpacked tubs and baskets stored in corners and stacked against walls, and I don't dust or vacuum as often as I should, but I keep things picked up and bathrooms cleaned (there are 4), and the kitchen doesn't have dirty dishes all over the place anymore like it did before I moved in. But it's still not where I'd like it to be. And probably never will be. Hubby's not a "clean freak", so at least that doesn't stress me. Just my own wanting it to be better, but not having the time or energy lately to do it "right".

13. My weight---really trying to lose it the right way now. Got on a program with a doctor. Set a goal...hope to make it. Hubby doesn't understand. He likes me "chubby", and I feel ok at this weight, feel fine about myself, have good self-esteem...I just don't like what I see in pictures or in the mirror. I could LOOK so much better if I drop 30-50 lbs. And I know I'd feel better, too. I really would. So I'm trying. I wish I could give the weight I lose to him...he's losing so much with his health issues...weighs less than me (less than my first big goal actually) and I feel like we are Jack Sprat and his wife. It's a vanity thing for me. I know it is. But I need to do it. So hopefully this time I can. Again. And keep it off.

So, there..13 things weighing on my mind lately.
Maybe that's why I'm having trouble staying asleep lately. I dunno. But it felt good to share.
Next week's won't be so "heavy". I'll do something more fun. I just needed to purge I think.