Kids...Don't Go Breakin' My Heart

We toured colleges yesterday, my baby boy and I.
Well..not my baby boy. My grown up, mature, always has his head on straight and does the right thing boy. My weren't you just 3 yesterday but now you say you're 18 and stand taller than me boy.
Where does the time go?

We toured the college that has offered him money. The one that is the rival to my alma mater. My sister graduated from there. My brother got his teaching certification from there. My SIL graduated from there. Lots of my friends graduated from there.
I graduated from across the street.
The school that is only offering $9000 in financial aid. Which doesn't put a dent in their $28,000/year cost.
But he doesn't want to go there anyway....so it doesn't matter.

He liked the school we looked at.
The rival school.
But it's not his first choice.

We'll be going to see one of his top two choices on Friday. It's farther away.
The other of his top two is even farther than that.

The rival school is halfway between his dad's house and mine.
Much closer.
Ideal.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad..for him to be a Reddie.

It all comes down to money in the end.
Who will pay the most to have him at their school.

And for the right price...I will gladly put a sticker on my car that says "I'm a Reddie mom."
(but secretly...I'll wish it said "..Tiger Mom".)
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Got to spend a few minutes with the other baby boy, too.
The one that isn't growing up so fast.
The taller one...but still a mama's boy one.

I miss him.
He doesn't talk much.
He doesn't do much.
But he sure does love his mama.

I hate leaving them there.
I spent the whole ride over there thinking about the "what if"s.
What if I'd kept our family together.
What if I hadn't moved.
What if I'd fought to keep all 3 kids with me.
or at least not let him move to his dad's.

Those what if's will kill ya.
It's hard only seeing them once or twice a month.
Texting..phoning....
not seeing them everyday.
not being a part of their daily decisions.

Guess that's the price I'm paying.
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Then...then I get home and the daughter starts in on me.
"I don't have any cute clothes!"
"My friends all have cuter clothes than me!"
"You need to buy me more clothes!"
"I only have one pair of jeans to wear."
and on...and on....

at one point, I actually started crying.
It's not that I don't want her to look cute. I do.
It's not that she doesn't have clothes. She does.
She does not have many clothes...I'll give her that.
but she picked them out.
She did wear the same pair of jeans everyday last week. I know.
She has another pair..but now doesn't like them.
Says they don't fit right.

I can relate. But she doesn't understand.
She doesn't understand that all our bills are a month behind.
She doesn't understand that Greg has only deposited 4 of his last 15 paychecks b/c when people don't pay him, he can't pay himself.
She doesn't understand that higher tax brackets and rising costs of insurance mean less bring home pay for me.
She doesn't understand how much gas it takes to do all we do.

I want to buy her clothes.
I do.
And I do buy her clothes, when I can.

But we'll never be able to keep up with her friends.
Just like I never kept up with mine.

I can relate.