Feelings...nothing more than feelings...

So...it seems that when I posted a little questionnaire thingy on my long time diary sites last week, asking what my friends there liked about my entries, or wanted to see more of, they told me that they wanted me to write more about what I'm feeling than about what I'm doing. How I feel about things, I guess.

Hmmm....
How do i feel?

Let's see....I guess I'll just bring up some topics and discuss my feelings about them. If I don't touch on somethng you want to know about, just tell me and I'll discuss it next time. Y'all all know I'm an open book and don't mind sharing about anything.


**SCHOOL: school is going pretty well, now that we are in a routine. I'm enjoying having one of the "higher" literacy groups each afternoon (11:30-2:40). There are still a few behavior problem kids, but the trade off from the ones that leave my room to go to someone else helps. This way noone is having to deal with the same kid all day when there are behavior issues. Well.except a couple. I do have a couple of my own kids in my literacy group that drive me mad sometimes....but not as bad as a couple that leave my room after lunch each day.

Excitement ensued yesterday...as most of you probably saw on Facebook last night: My one little precious blonde haired/blue eyed girl came to school with a rat in her pocket, and she let all the kids on the bus pet it. Yep....GROSS! She said her 4 yr old sister put it in there when she wasn't looking...(yeh, like I believe that), but then told me in the next breath how she and her sister play doctor with rats at home. (ICK) It's never a dull moment in first grade, I tell ya!

**KIDS:

----Trey is turning 16 in 2 weeks. I've asked and asked him how he wants to celebrate. I'd love to give him a party or let him celebrate with a couple of friends...I dunno, what do 16 yr old boys do? He keeps saying he doesn't really know of anything he wants to do. His dad will take him to get his driver's license and hunting license after school that day (he already has his driver's permit and just has to have it switched over, and he's already taken the hunter's education class and just has to get the license.) Looks like no vehicle for him til the spring. John said he told him that after tax money comes in they'd go look for something for him to drive, since him getting Rachel's truck is out of the question now. He gave me a list of cd's and things he wants...but that just seems so piddly for his 16th bday. My mom is taking snacks to the youth group at church on Wednesday night before his bday on Thursday. They are all his friends. John is taking him and Matt to a concert this weekend as part of his bday. Skillet, Decypher Down, and 2 other hard rock Christian bands he likes. The boys are excited.
I just feel useless in all this. Like I can't do enough.


--Matthew is loving his new school. He's the biggest kid there and noone messes with him.He's really bonding with John and Trey, and even though Rachel's leaving has hurt all of them, I'm glad they are there together to heal from it. He's doing ok in school...which is typical Matt. He doesn't put forth the effort to excel...just enough to 'get by" without getting in trouble. That's my Matt. I miss him like crazy, but I do have to admit that MY house is much more peaceful without the daily bickering and fussing between the M&Ms. The weekends the boys are here reinforce that for sure.


--Molly is loving being an only child. She drives me crazy wanting attention all the time since Matt's not there to do stuff with, but we just go do our thing together, and life is really easier! That sounds bad, I know. Thinking how nice it is to only have one child to deal with all the time. I feel guilty for liking it sometimes. but with all that I've had going on lately....it's so much less stress.

**Greg:

His sudden talk of marriage again has me wondering about his health. He had an EKG done last week, and mentioned over the weekend that he "might have to go back to the dr on Monday", but wound up not needing to. All weekend he was so much more affectionate and talked about how he'd been thinking about things a lot lately, and about "when we are married", and he'd tease Maggie (the puppy ) by pulling me to him and saying, "I'm kissing your mommy" when she'd jump up for attention. He talked about how he'd been lax in 'taking care of me" and he would do better....just weird stuff again.
My friend/co-worker said, "maybe he's facing his mortality and is realizing he needs to make provisions for you."
He'd already told me he'd redone his will again a month or so ago...making me executor, and I think changing where some things went or how they were to be distributed. He said it was mostly to make sure Alex didn't get more than he was ready to handle too early and to make sure things went where HE wanted them and not where Alex might want them.

I dunno..very strange...but I like the attention! I'm not sure about the marriage thing tho. I've been thinking about it....and someone asked me how it would be different, other than just moving in and living with him. I guess that would probably be the main difference. I don't think things would change between us much other than that. I do my thing, and he doesn't complain or "tell me I can't", and he does his thing (when there's a "thing" to do! LOL) Of course the house is an issue. I don't want to live there with my daughter while Alex is there. Not while the two bedrooms share a connecting bathroom. I don't think Alex would ever do anything improper...but when it comes to my daughter (and sons), I cannot be too careful. Plus...I don't want to give Alex any way to have ammunition to use against them, to set them up, if something in his room goes missing or gets broken or anything. He's tried that before...blaming Matthew for taking a video game, when he had it all along and just forgot where he put it. I know that's just "brother" stuff...but when it comes to stuff like that, Alex does not have the normal maturity a 19 yr old would have concerning 10 and 11 year old siblings. I'd prefer he be out on his own before we move in.

I also want to have some "work" done in that bachelor pad before it becomes my home. New carpets for sure!! and a new sofa. AND, new wallpaper in the game room bathroom. It's a black jungle motif in there, and I hate it!! It's a joke between us. I always say it's the first thing I'm gonna change, and he says there's no way in hell he's changing it. (of course he's joking, because there is actually very little, if anything, that man would ever deny me.)

I guess I'm just nervous about giving up all my "freedom", my "independence". Not that I really would..b/c like I said, he's not like that. Not controlling or anything. I guess it's all in the fact that I couldn't make one marriage work, even tho I know my husband did love me, so how can I be sure another one would last? Doubting myself I guess.

**Family:

My 88 year old grandmother is going in for a bone marrow test in a few weeks. This is my mom's mom, the one who lives in Kentucky and had the mastectomy a few years ago. She's nervous of coure, but a real trooper. Her biggest concern right now is that she will not have the money to send my kids (and my neices and nephews) Christmas gifts this year. She ususally sends money to me so i can go buy gifts from her for them to open, since it's easier than buying and shipping them from KY. But this year she's financially crunched as are so many of us. It's breaking my heart. I'm going to find a way to buy gifts for the kids, from her, anyway. They don't need to know her financial problems, but they *would* notice no gift from her under the tree.

Parents are fine. Sisters and brother are fine. The babies are all growing.

Nephew Max is 4 months old now,(Jeanette's baby)


and Great-neice Raegan (Shelli's step-granddaughter) is 3 months now. She lives in San Diego so I keep up with them on Facebook. They both have their own profiles that their parents post pics to. It's so fun to be able to watch them grow that way. Technology is so amazing!


--Maggie is getting big. I'm a little sad that she got bigger than I'd hoped, but she's so much fun. Spoiled rotten. Bites/chews everything still. whe'll be 6 months next week and we will soon schedule getting her spayed. Greg still wants to have her tail bobbed, too. The vet said if we do it all at the same time it won't be as traumatic. She won't really know one pain from the other and we can let her heal all at once.

*Activities:
--Junior Auxiliary has slowed down a little now that our biggest fundraiser is over. We do have a Mexican Fiesta Bunco Bash this weekend, but I'm not on that committee.
--Church is good. We are doing a book club thing on Max Lucado's book "Fearless". Discussion includes ..is it "fearless", or "fear less"?
Choir is going well, too. Will be starting Christmas music soon. I love this time of year the most, for that reason!
--With just Molly at home, our activities aren't as much. We cut out Girl Scouts this year...sorry, no cookie connection this January...b/c the meetings are on Friday nights, and b/c her leader quit and the asst. took over, and well....Molly just wasn't as excited about going anymore.
--Trey won't be playing basketball this year, due to his shoulder injury, so no traveling all over the state for that. he's bummed but has has picked up a couple of agri classes, and can hopefully join the FFA. He stays busy with church, too. Matt is doing church stuff there as well.

So...I guess that about covers things. No itinerary in this entry...just the things in my life that matter.
I guess it HAS been a long time since I pondered things here.
Or maybe not. I guess I just figure that most of you know me so well after all these years...you KNOW how I feel about things! LOL
It's nice to know you do care about my thoughts tho!
I won't get into politics. Been burned way too many times for that.
But the rest of me is an open book!