never satisfied
That's what my mom would say about me. I'm never satisfied. Nothing is ever good enough.
If I heard it once, I heard it a hundred times growing up.
And now I find myself saying it to my own kids.
But I think it's true...about me.
I expect too much from people. I expect others to do for me like I do for them.
I am a giver...a doer...and I give and give and do and do...
and sometimes I just want to "get" in return.
And I do "get". I do.
And I'm not ungrateful for the blessings and acts of kindness bestowed upon me.
But it just never seems to come from those I expect it to.
And I always feel let down.
My birthday, for instance:
Birthdays have always been a big thing in our family.
My mom always made them that way.
We celebrate numerous times.
There's always a family dinner.
Take our August birthday bash...it's a big deal. Lots of bdays to celebrate.
And with Mom and Jeanette's bdays being a day apart in April..it's a thing. I've even been asked to sing in church for it this year.
But my bday came and went with only a minor notice.
Oh, there was a dinner...not a family dinner. Noone else got invited.
And the kids weren't even there to see me open the 2 gifts I received.
And on my actual birthday....I spent the day and several hundred dollars on my daughter. No bday cake for me. No balloons, no party.
no gifts.
She'd forgotten to bring the one that her dad had picked out for the kids to give me.
Greg says he's waiting until I find a puppy I want and he'll buy it for me..but who knows when that will be since nobody has any I want around here (and trust me..I've spent hours and days scouring classifieds and web sites.)
We had cheesecake that he bought from me when I sold them for JA as my "birthday cake", but no candles..no singing.
I'm just feeling let down.
I always make a big deal for my kids and friends and loved ones on their birthdays and other holidays.
and I just feel let down.
I mean...I know 42 isn't a big celebration.
And I'm a grown up....birthdays are for kids I guess.
Maybe I really am as shallow as my mother says I am.
I just needed to come whine somewhere. And only a couple people ever read me here, so it's safe. Noone to tell me everyone meant well, or to criticize him for not doing more. I've already heard that. And it made me feel worse...to hear "anyone who knows and loves you knows you need lots of attention and hoopla and should've given it to you."
That just succeeded in making me feel unworthy since I didn't get it.
If I heard it once, I heard it a hundred times growing up.
And now I find myself saying it to my own kids.
But I think it's true...about me.
I expect too much from people. I expect others to do for me like I do for them.
I am a giver...a doer...and I give and give and do and do...
and sometimes I just want to "get" in return.
And I do "get". I do.
And I'm not ungrateful for the blessings and acts of kindness bestowed upon me.
But it just never seems to come from those I expect it to.
And I always feel let down.
My birthday, for instance:
Birthdays have always been a big thing in our family.
My mom always made them that way.
We celebrate numerous times.
There's always a family dinner.
Take our August birthday bash...it's a big deal. Lots of bdays to celebrate.
And with Mom and Jeanette's bdays being a day apart in April..it's a thing. I've even been asked to sing in church for it this year.
But my bday came and went with only a minor notice.
Oh, there was a dinner...not a family dinner. Noone else got invited.
And the kids weren't even there to see me open the 2 gifts I received.
And on my actual birthday....I spent the day and several hundred dollars on my daughter. No bday cake for me. No balloons, no party.
no gifts.
She'd forgotten to bring the one that her dad had picked out for the kids to give me.
Greg says he's waiting until I find a puppy I want and he'll buy it for me..but who knows when that will be since nobody has any I want around here (and trust me..I've spent hours and days scouring classifieds and web sites.)
We had cheesecake that he bought from me when I sold them for JA as my "birthday cake", but no candles..no singing.
I'm just feeling let down.
I always make a big deal for my kids and friends and loved ones on their birthdays and other holidays.
and I just feel let down.
I mean...I know 42 isn't a big celebration.
And I'm a grown up....birthdays are for kids I guess.
Maybe I really am as shallow as my mother says I am.
I just needed to come whine somewhere. And only a couple people ever read me here, so it's safe. Noone to tell me everyone meant well, or to criticize him for not doing more. I've already heard that. And it made me feel worse...to hear "anyone who knows and loves you knows you need lots of attention and hoopla and should've given it to you."
That just succeeded in making me feel unworthy since I didn't get it.
Comments
Money is tight and that is why the gifts but I felt bad about the cake. He doesn't expect it, never ever expects it and is fine with not having one...but at the same time I felt bad because I know I would be upset if I didn't get the cake.
Course he tells me I am crazy and its just another day - my grandfather always told me that too and I do understand that but I like my birthday cakes and I didn't get him one. So this weekend I plan on making him his favorite desert at least.
I hate being a whiner, and maybe it is just hormones, but yeh...I'm kinda let down.
I know the kids have a gift for me, and I'm pretty sure (from Molly's hints) that it's what I asked for. And I know that Greg is planning on spending $300 or more on a puppy for me when I find the right one...but yeh, even with all the birthday wishes and acknowledgements...I feel kinda let down.
I guess it's selfish or immature or something...and I shouldn't feel that way. But, I do.
xoxoxo